Being a real MAN is hard work. When I say "a real MAN" am not talking about your run of the mill metro sexual guys, with perfect nail and a spot on tan. Those people are not men, they are males, nothing more. I am talking about being a MAN!, an alpha male, a lumberjack, a big pile of muscles. In other words: a no bullshit, cut no corners, take no prisoners MAN!

So let me tell you something right here: I can teach you to be a MAN! But YOU have to be willing to make the sacrifices, this is no "over the night turn fairy tale change", this is a lifelong dedication to all things MANLY!

If you are still reading this then I assume you are willing to leave your old puny self behind and become a real MAN! A good decision I tell you, many good things will come from your new MANLY life but before we get to that, we will need to help you with the basics of being a MAN!


Buff up!
You need to buff up. How much do you weigh? You need to weigh about 200 kilos and 190 of them should be nothing my muscles, 150 should be in your arms. If you can’t fulfill those simple weight requirements then get your ass to the gym and don’t come back before you have beat up at least 4 other hopeful people on their way to MANHOOD! Remember: a MAN never admits defeat, bend time and space itself with your new muscles before you throw the towel in the ring.


Don’t sing!
Some males sing: Robbie Williams sings, Jack Black sings, Michael Jackson sings, you know who don’t sing? Hulk Hogan, Arnold Swarzenegger, and Aragon (king of Gondor). You see the pattern here? REAL MEN DON’T SING!
The moment you start humming sk8terboy in public you are no longer a MAN! No amount of muscles can help you at that point.


Get that face straight!
Get those damn eyebrows DOWN! Don’t lift your eyebrows high like some happy kitten on crack, keep them at a downwards angle towards your nose, keeping your eyes half closed will help with this and also give you a more manly and angry look. Remember: MEN spend 60 % of their time angry, and 35 % pretending to be angry, the last 5 are for being sexually aroused (more on THAT later).

Also work on your smile. MEN don’t smile, real MEN Grin. The more wicked the grin the more manly the MAN.

If your grin doesn’t make you seem dangerous and slightly twisted, then you are doing it wrong. A good source of inspiration is to go into a bar and piss off the local brawler. He WILL beat you up, because he is a REAL MAN and you are the student, take a look at his grinning face as he beats you to a pulp, that is the grin you are aiming for.

When you are not grinning (smiling should never be done remember that!) you should work on keeping a frown going at any and all times, this will help you blend in well with the other angry men in your neighborhood.  Like I said you are trying to fit in with angry MEN who are always angry or pretending to be, if you don’t frown and appear angry then you are not doing it right.

One last thing should be mentioned about the face: Laughing, when you need to laugh (this should be avoided at all costs as it is hard to control), you should laugh powerful and in big "ha"s.

Watch the funniest thing you can find, if you laugh more than 5 powerful "ha"s then they weren’t powerful enough and you need to work on them. A good source of inspiration should be your local blacksmith, or butcher if no blacksmith is available, tell him a dirty joke as it is proven to be the only think that can make a blacksmith laugh.


Grow a beard!
This could be the most important thing for older MEN: GROW A BEARD! The type of beard doesn’t matter, what matters is that no MAN above the age of 30 MUST GROW A BEARD! Growing a beard symbolizes the very MANLY years you are going into at this point, you are going from being a young and restless MAN! to being a Rock solid earthbound force of nature. With a beard you show that you have seen wars and lived to tell the tale, you have survived many battles against other Alpha male and is now a force to be reckoned with, the beard brings FEAR, RESPECT and STATUS! 3 things a real MAN deserves.
For inspiration look for pictures of Chuck Norris, THE alpha male of alpha males.


Think like a MAN!
Or rather don’t! Your job is to be buff, be the biggest baddest badass in the neighborhood, you are not setting out to win a science fair.
Here is a simple test, answer every question with yes or no.

Do you know the Schrödinger cat?
Do you know Binary code?
Did you know who you wanted to vote for, before the final day of last election?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then you are too smart to be a real MAN! Don’t worry though there is still hope for you, a continues intake of alcohol can reduce your intelligence to some a acceptable level. Here is another tip: if you are still in high school or god forbid college then you should immediately quit, and use the opportunity to destroy as much property as possible, remember: MEN are always angry.


Be rough!
Do you stand in line? REAL MEN DON’T! Do you go down on your date? REAL MEN DON’T!

You are a MAN! An alpha male! The supreme male specimen, and you take what you want. You don’t stand in line to get into a club, you walk the fuck in, and those Halfling (you would know them as “little people”) sized bouncers can’t do a thing to stop you.

Getting into the club is easy for a MAN! And getting a girl is not much more of a problem, no female is ever in a relationship that matters if it isn’t to you, YOU are the alpha male, YOU have first dibs on any and all females in your town.

After you get the female you have had your eyes on you should take her YOUR way. You are a MAN! YOU control things, you do not go down on her, it will do you no good in your job of making your bloodline prevail. You should also remember that the more females you take, the bigger is the chance of you fathering a healthy son who can take over as the alpha male, but keep the kid down until you are long gone, and you don’t want the brat taking your turf before his time.

You also have to remember that another MAN could move in on your turf at any time, should this happen you should EMIDIATLY rush to the attack and chase this MAN out of your town, you have to be fast effective and above all violent, MEN only understand pain and will not admit defeat, you might need to drag the broken bones of the other MAN out if he refuses to leave.

BE WARNED! If the challenging MAN has a beard then proceeds with caution, if the beard is old and weathered then fleeing might be the better option an old beard is proof of grand power.



If you follow these simple rules then you should become a real MAN but remember: this is a lifework not a weekend cruise.